Forwarded Messages

Find out which profession is in perfect allignment with your zodiac: *** ARIES (March 21 - April 19) COLIN POWEL : Former US Secretary of State and four - star general Being a fire sign, Aries are drawn to professions that offer independence, with a touch of danger. Generally perceived as a sign of the pioneer and the fighter, an Aries - born tends to excel in jobs that are physical and combative. *** TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) AUDREY HEPBURN: Actress Naturally artistic and creative, Taureans enjoy working with food, arts and luxury goods. People belonging to this earth sign should steer clear of professions that involved physical discomfort, including harsh cold or very wet conditions. *** GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) ERNESTO 'CHE' GUEVARRA: Marxist leader and author

1. The nice men are ugly. . 2. The handsome men are not nice. . 3. The handsome and nice men are gay. . 4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married. .

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... a youth she's content to leave behind....  A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even.. The total had to be exactly perfect.. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door. She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good.

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

This is TOO cool! Just the math part is good enough, the end is even better. I bet you will NOT be able to read it without sending it on to at least one other person! Beauty of Mathematics! 1 x8+1 = 9 12 x8+2 = 98 123 x8+3 = 987 1234 x8+4 = 9876 12345 x8+5 = 98765 123456 x8+6 = 987654 1234567 x8+7 = 9876543 12345678 x8+8 = 98765432 123456789 x8+9 = 987654321 - 1 x9+ 2 = 11 12 x9+ 3 = 111 123 x9+ 4 = 1111 1234 x9+ 5 = 11111 12345 x9+ 6 = 111111 123456 x9+ 7 = 1111111 1234567 x9+ 8 = 11111111 12345678 x9+ 9 = 111111111 123456789 x9+10 =1111111111 - 9 x9+ 7 = 88 98 x9+ 6 = 888 987 x9+ 5 = 8888 9876 x9+ 4 = 88888 98765 x9+ 3 = 888888 987654 x9+ 2 = 8888888 9876543 x9+ 1 = 88888888 98765432 x9+ 0 = 888888888 Brilliant, isn't it? And look at this symmetry:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" - HUSBAND: "Definitely not! - WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" - HUSBAND: "Of course I do." - WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" - HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." - WIFE: "You would?" - HUSBAND: ....? - WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" - HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." - WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" - HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" -

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

1. Wake UP!!! Decide to have a good day... "Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24   2. Dress UP!!! The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks... "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7   3 . Shut UP!!!

This is a story written by a doctor who worked in Africa . One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive; as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator). We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates)...

DON'T SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END...ITS PRICELESS! A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce ; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends. She loved the fourth boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best. She also loved the third boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another. She also loved her second boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

------------------------------------- Forwarded by Celma Ricardo Now Available: THE COMIC BOOK BIBLE  

Reverend John Powell , a professor at Loyola University in Chicago, writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy: Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith . That was the day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn't what's on your head but what's in it that counts but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped. I immediately filed Tommy under "S" for strange... Very strange. Tommy turned out to be the "atheist in residence" in my Theology of Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father/God. We lived with each other in re...

The following ten jobs offer freelance and work-at-home options that allow you--with the right career training--to succeed from a home office. 1. Management analyst An expert in a given industry or business area may earn a living advising other companies as a management analyst (or management consultant). These consultants work on a project basis and may work from a home office or commute to client sites. Management analysts often have a bachelor's degree and extensive experience in a particular field. 2. Web developer Web developers can create Web sites and Internet applications from any computer with the appropriate software, so they often perform project-based client work from home. Most Web developers have a bachelor's degree in computer science or a related field, but an associate's degree or certificate can also be sufficient. 3. Technical writer Technical writers are communication specialists who translate technical subject matter into common, easy-to-foll...

A married lady was expecting a birthday gift from her husband. For many months she had admired a beautiful diamond ring in a showroom, and knowing her husband could afford it, she told him that was all she wanted. As her birthday approached, this lady awaited signs that her husband had purchased the diamond ring. Finally, on the morning of her birthday, her husband called her into his study. Her husband told her how proud he was to have such a good wife, and told her how much he loved her. He handed her a beautiful wrapped gift box.

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

This was written by a Metro Denver Hospice Physician:  I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5 pm, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke,sputter and die - I barely managed to coast into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck It wouldn't even turn over.   Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the 'quickie mart' building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a Gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay.   When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.   At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids i...