The Power of Saying NO

Why saying no still means you are a good person,

and why there's honesty in refusal...

It's a simple two-letter word, easy to remember and simple to say. Yet why is it often difficult to say No? Every fibre in your body might be screaming a no and yet you might find yourself nodding your head and uttering a meek ‘yes'?

For instance, your cousin may insist on having your favourite pink T-shirt as a hand-me-down and you really don't want to give it away. However, when she asks for it, you cheerily say: ‘Yes, you may have it.'

Or your boss tells you that the new contract which the company has bagged will mean you working on the weekends for the next two months. You merrily trill ‘No problem' even as you have this vision of lovely weekend barbies and fishing trips dissolving into nothing.

It's time you say Yes to No!

That is because it will help you unleash your assertive power and make you more truthful and straightforward.

Have you wondered about the negative decisions we often take in our lives whilst saying Y-e-s?
What compels us to say yes, when we really want to say no?
Psychologists attribute several reasons to it and the most common ones are an obvious lack of assertion; a fear of displeasing people; a hesitancy about being uncomfortable sticking your neck out for something that goes against public opinion or you may believe that saying a No is close to impossible when the expectations others have is that of a Yes.

Our inability to say no is about our eagerness to always be in other people's good books.
Most people are people pleasers and feel uncomfortable saying ‘no' to something they don't want to do. It is usually easier to say no to something one feels unqualified to do, but hard to say no to something not desirable to do.

Our inability to say what we really feel has an impact on our social, personal, professional persona. It not only interferes with our image of who we want to be vis-à-vis our work, family and friends and also the image we have of ourselves in our mind's eye.

Both areas are also affected, us and the people we said yes to rather than no.
Work/self: We take on projects that we can't complete well and then we look bad, and
Family/self; friends/self; self/self: We may have promised something to a friend, a family member or to ourselves - a trip, a chore or personal resolution to achieve something. When can't do whatever we've agreed to, we usually feel bad about ourselves or ashamed if we can't come through for a family member or a friend or ourselves. I
It's tough on self-esteem to put ourselves in a position of feeling bad, but sometimes people would rather do that than stand up and say no.

How to say 'no'

Practice saying no. You must get used to saying the word. Set a target for yourself during the day and see how you do it and how often.

Say no to the person without going into explanations or offering excuses. The more you explain the more what you say loses its validity.

Listen to your body when you are confronted with a question where you have to decide. Feel how your gut or stomach reacts. Don't say yes when it ‘feels' wrong or when you experience an uncomfortable feeling.

Get to the bottom of things. Usually not being able to say no is connected to a fear. Ask yourself what the fear is. Helpful questions are: What will happen if I say no to this person? What will happen after that? And after that? Be honest and answer what comes to mind first.

Be firm with yourself and others. If you say no, don't go back or compromise.

When saying no, be aware that you will experience guilt. But it will get easier over time. Know why you are saying no. When you say no to something, you inevitably say yes to something else. So it is easier to overcome the guilt if you are clear to yourself what you are saying yes to.

Be patient. It takes time to change habits. You have trained people to react in a certain way, so if you start saying NO they have to get used to the new YOU.

Trust that it will be OK when you say no. We say yes to people or things usually because we are afraid the other person will be hurt or things will break down. Tell yourself consciously that others will survive you saying no. It is not going to be the end of the world.

Remember that you are still a nice and caring person even when you say no sometimes to people or things. Saying no does not make you a bad or heartless person.

Saying no means you value yourself and your time. When you say no to others you automatically saying yes to your values and your own needs. Saying no brings respect to yourself and also respect from others as they see that you value yourself.

Being empowered

Although ‘No' sounds like a negative word, our ability to be positive and affirmative does not come through unless we learn to say it when required. Experts say unless and until we say Yes to No, we cannot be empowered and respected as a human being.

Have you ever tried saying no to your pet or your child? There may be temporarily disappointed. But a ‘no' highlights your assertive ability and earns you respect. You can earn the same quiet respect from friends/family members if you insist on saying no when you mean it.

Saying yes and not being able to deliver as promised can only demean and degrade your self worth. The other aspect of this empowerment is that your affirmatives become stronger when you learn to be assertive. Saying a ‘yes' or a ‘no' when you truly mean those words is part of the power of assertion you seek to build in yourself.

In the workplace, the boss wants you to work on a holiday that was already planned as a family day. You fear your refusal to work will reflect on your sincerity. Plus, you've heard you could be up for a promotion soon.

- In assertiveness, always ask yourself the question, "Is it worth it?" In the example above, it is not likely to be worth it to tell the boss a ‘no' when so much is at stake [the possible promotion]. Here is an opportunity to "think outside the box." If you want to get promoted and don't want to work on a holiday, then negotiate with the boss,  suggest alternatives that might be something he/she could accept rather than a flat no. This would be a time to negotiate to meet your boss's goal and your holiday.

- If you give in: You might be able to meet the deadlines and please your boss, but you'd end up earning the wrath of your family and get more stressed as a result. Besides, no one really said that doing the donkey work is a sure route to a promotion.

By the way …

It's one thing to say no and quite another to hear a no directed at you, below are ways to process a negative positively:

- Don't try to persuade the person saying no to change his/her mind. It will only make him/her more uncomfortable.

- When someone says no to you, don't take it personally. It does not have to be about you.

- Respect the person saying no to you. The response is the person's true state of mind.

- Learn from people who can say no with good reason. These people know what they want from life.

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';
anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

Matthew 5:37

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Forwarded by Erik MG