Revised Employee Manual

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.

SURGERY

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.To have something removed constitutes a breech of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays &Sundays.

VACATION DAYS

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, August 1st and 6th, May 23 &December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker.This exchange must be submitted in writing to your Employer &supervisor for approval. In addition there is a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people will get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.Normal size people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people will get 5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

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Forwarded by Jody